Please don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to think about spicing up your sex life. Winter is the perfect time to add some steam and romance indoors. Keep that thermometer sky high from now until the summer.

When romancing and entertaining, you have to set the mood or scene. One way to do that is with lights and scent. It’s time to turn out the lights and romance under a flicker of fire. Everyone looks better under candlelight. I burn candles  almost every day — even when I’m alone.

SOS Novelties' French Inspired 3-in-1 Scented Soy Candles

You can also use the candle wax oil as a silky massage oil that teases the senses. The scent will linger on the skin for hours. Owwww!

Candles add a glow of romance, a touch of fragrance — some have pheromones that can only enhance the mood. Whether you are soaking in the tub with your lover or have it lit by the bed while making love, candles will create romantic atmosphere.

Champagne Lights Scented Candle with Pheromones from EdenFantasys.com

 After the scene is set it’s time for the fun! How many times have you heard that certain foods are aphrodisiacs. Chocolate brings a certain level of  arousal and sexual desire when used in a flirty way. I recently tried the Chocolate Body Fondue from Booty Parlor.

Don’t forget to play with the strawberries. The body fondue even comes with a cute little paint brush so that you can use the body as a canvas. If you make a painting error, just use your tongue to wipe clean and start all over again I used this chocolate on my white sheets –  although it aided in a wonderful night that made me blush the next morning, it was a major pain to clean.

Tip: warm the chocolate in the bottle by removing the cap and putting in the microwave for 10 to 15 seconds.

And, my final solution, that will steam up any bedroom mirror is wrist cuffs…. oh la la.

Booty Parlor Good Girl, Bad Girl Wrist Cuffs

 I have many cuffs that are pink and furry, but these cuffs are a bit bad ass. LOL. It’s goth (and, we all secretly know that goth is sexy and mysterious.)

Drop me a note and let me know how your night went.

Hello 2012! I’m glad you are here. I am completely in love with you and how good you’ve been to me. I promise to treat you as good as you’ve treated me this week. I promise to wake up everyday happy. I am in control of my own destiny. I will be thankful for every blessing large and small.

I will save more than 10 percent of my paycheck. I will also give to church, charity and friends & family in need.

I will make sure to tell my friends and family how much they mean to me as often as possible. I’ll also mail greeting cards more.

I will not hoard. I will throw/give away as much as possible, which means I will aim to live a simplistic life. Speaking of life, I will laugh like it’s a cure, vacation as if it’s my last and pray as much as needed.

And, finally, I will meet the man that I will spend the rest of my life with — this year. From my words to God’s ears. I am writing it into existence. See it until I see it.

When ever I fall off my wagon, I need you to help me get back on.

 _________________________________________________________________________________

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

 28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

 37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need 

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

Most of the birthday celebrations  of either myself or my friends were shakin’ it up in a club or an awkward dinner for 10 at a loud restaurant. I enjoyed those birthdays and have long lasting memories from each one of them. But, now that we are reliving our 20s in the ’30-is-the-new-20′ era, I’m looking forward to more sophisticated and classy memories that don’t involved splitting the bill and taking out calculators or sweating out my new ‘do.

My English home girl, Jenelle, hosted an intimate dinner party at her posh Tribeca crib and invited five of her closest New York City pals to celebrate her 32nd birthday.

Please excuse my images. I took them all with my camera phone. I need to start carrying around a real camera. SMDH.

Jenelle was able to transform her living space into a private dining room. She planned this event like a David Tutera. This looks like she could make the switch from media maven to event planner, effortlessly

The formal dinner party had a Tiffany's theme. This is soooo Jenelle

For entry into the dinner party, all guests were required to bring a champagne flute. What a clever idea. Of course, I had to browse the floors of Tiffany's for the perfect glass.

I consumed five glasses of champagne that night. Jenelle was nice enough to gift us with a Bytox Patch to prevent hangovers. Which was perfect because I had a 6 a.m. flight to catch the next morning. See the patch on my arm? Woke up the next morning ready to rock and roll

And, here's the food. Jenelle hired a wonderful chef to a make healthy and flavorful cuisine. The first course, was a yummy ginger carrot soup, followed by miso cod, rosemary roasted potatoes and veggies, and for dessert -- bread pudding spheres. What a delight

After telling the love of my life how I felt about him, his response was, “You are better off without me.” (Let’s just say that in my head, I was hit by a mack truck that day.) After literally going through the five stages of grief in a matter of hours,  I read this article online that asked the question, “Is Marriage for White People?”  (I’m highly appalled at the title — but, Um, this can’t be a sign.)

I sent the article to my four girl friends via email — with the subject line, “WTF?!?!!?” — to get their opinion. That’s a tactic, we  all use frequently to start a squawkbox. While the question deemed to be  a bit offensive, the opinion-piece and roundtable was backed with shocking statistics:

• 70 percent of black women are unmarried (meaning either having never been married, divorced, separated or widowed), compared to 45 percent of unmarried white women

EDITOR’S NOTE: If I put 10 of my girlfriends in one room, only about three of them would be married.

• Only about 9 percent of black women are married to men of a different race –compare that to 41 percent of Hispanic women, 48 percent of Asian women and 58 percent of Native American women in the United States.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I only have one close Black girlfriend who dated a White man. And, that relationship happened very naturally and organically, opposed to an online hook-up.

The article touched on all of the major points that me and the girls talk about on a daily basis. They are going to kill me for sharing their responses to the article, but here it is:

J – “I’m not even going to entertain that article” (I think the offensive title made J not even want to read the article.)

S – “A hot mess” (Really, S? um, the stats don’t lie)

Me - “It’s a interesting study. We need to start looking for suitable partners outside our race.”

S – “Well, I have been saying that for a while now. There are only a small percentage of black/spanish men who can hold a candle to us.”

J – “Red, green, yellow, black, pink they all come with something that needs to be attended to: commitment issues, growth complex, baggage…”

R – “Preach, gurl! There is always something.”

J – “The sad part is that when they [black men]  have someone who is  willing to be with them regardless of their faults, they still feel it’s not enough.  I am at no age to mold a man in what he should already be. In my 20s I used to tell men what I wanted and they did it. No problem.  Now in my 30s I can’t get a man to get it right.”

Me – “The article also states, “don’t marry down, marry out.”

J – “We should be able to marry who we want”

R- “No, not lowering my standards. We are single because we want to be. We could be in crappy relationships, but we strive for something better.”

We are all beautiful, intelligent, successful women who are sadly becoming statistics or the other stigma, “the angry/mad black woman” ….

_____________________________________________

Here’s the article:

When it comes to black women and marriage, perhaps the only thing more disheartening than the dire statistics –70 percent of them are unmarried, studies have shown — is the tedious conversation itself. But a new book adds fresh ideas and a new tone to the conversation, suggesting black women need to start looking for suitable mates outside their race.

“Many women would do well to expand their options in the same way people of other races have, and look beyond black men in their search for a partner,” Stanford law professor Ralph Richard Banks told “Nightline.” “Black women are the most segregated group in our society when it comes to relationships.”

For his book, “Is Marriage for White People?”, Banks conducted roughly 100 interviews with African-Americans about their marriage and dating ideals and experiences. His explanation as to why marriage rates are so low among black Americans is that there is a shortage of eligible black men.

“There’s a social catastrophe going on in terms of black men,” he said. “Imprisonment numbers, unemployment numbers, under-performance academically, these are crisis not just for African-Americans, but for the nation.”

Tomika Anderson, a 35-year-old freelance writer living in Brooklyn, is all too familiar with the notion that 70 percent of black women are unmarried (meaning either having never been married, divorced, separated or widowed), compared to 45 percent of unmarried white women.

“It’s really getting old,” she said. “I think by focusing so much on the negative, you’re missing out on the positive, and the positive is that at any given time, you can decide for yourself not to be a ‘statistic’”

In 2009 “Nightline” spoke with four single, African-American professional women in Atlanta about the relative difficulty they and others like them had finding husbands. One of them called it the “black girl curse.” Almost two years later, they’re still dating, but no one has put a ring on it.

Last year, “Nightline: Face-Off” put the question — “why can’t a successful black woman find a man?” — to an all-star panel, which included Steve Harvey, Sherri Shepherd, Jacque Reid, Jimi Izrael and Hill Harper, and opened the discussion up to a wide audience. Almost 1,000 people showed up to the Porter Sanford Performing Arts Center in Atlanta to watch.

“Women are looking for men that don’t exist,” Izrael said at the time. “They’re looking for this picture-perfect archetype.”

The general consensus among the black men who were on that panel: black women need to scale down expectations and stop being so picky. Misguided advice, according to Banks.

Click here to read more

THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED. CONGRATULATIONS TO WINNER, JADIE YAMIL 

A few years ago, I was talking to a very dear friend about self pleasing. He advised against it because he thought it could desensitize both men and women. (He has his opinion and I have my own.)

Sex toys can really enhance and change your sex life. Sex toys aren’t a replacement for a human being – think of them as a helping hand. Just like a dishwasher can help you clean your dishes, a sex toy can help you achieve new and different types of pleasure.

Fanny Price at Edenfantasys.com compiled a guide to selecting the best vibrator for you.

Silicone

The only disadvantage of silicone toys is their price. They are a bit more expensive than their “brothers and sisters” made of other materials as they are hand made. But, it will last much longer than other adult toys.

Elastomer

Jelly Rubber

Giveaway

I would like one lucky winner to receive one $25 Gift Card giveaway from edenfantasys.com. Enter to win the giveaway by leaving a comment on this post telling us what product you’d like to try from edenfantastys.com.

MANDATORY ENTRY: You must follow @ByondBlckBeauty on Twitter and/or like Beyond Black Beauty on Facebook. This contest is open to United States residents and will close on Saturday, October 8 ­­­­­­­­at 11:59 pm EST. I will announce the winner on Sunday, October 9. The winner will be chosen at random and notified via e-mail.

A new study of interracial marriages in the United States since the 1980s suggests that the racial boundary between blacks and whites continues to break down, but is not yet close to disappearing. The study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, reveals that marriages between black and white populations have continued to increase while Latin and Hispanic Americans have turned to marrying their racial compatriots from newly arrived immigrant populations.

 Marriages between African Americans and whites increased rapidly between 1980 and 2008, outpacing the rate of unions between whites and other ethnic and racial groups, including Latinos, Asian Americans and American Indians. However, the total number of marriages between blacks and whites continues to be much smaller than those between whites and other racial and ethnic groups.

 “The number of marriages between whites and African Americans is undeniably increasing rapidly, but it is still a small number,” said Zhenchao Qian, lead author of the study and professor of sociology at Ohio State University. “Our results point to better race relations in 2008 than 1980, but we still have a way to go. The racial boundary is blurred, but it is still there.”

 In 1980, only 5 percent of black men married a white woman, but that increased to 14 percent in 2008. Still, by comparison, 38 percent of Asian American men and Hispanic men married a white woman in 2008.

 The study uses data from the 2008 American Community Survey, an ongoing survey of American households conducted by the U.S. Census bureau. The survey includes about 3 million people a year. The researchers also use data from the 1980 U.S. census.

 “Understanding changes in interracial marriages is complex because it involves two different factors,” said Qian, “the marriage market of who is available to marry and also individuals’ choices about who they would be willing to marry.”

Overall, while marriages between blacks and whites showed large increases between 1980 and 2008, there was only a slight increase in marriages between whites and Hispanics while the results showed that marriages between U.S. born and foreign born Asians and Hispanics increased rapidly between 2000 and 2008.

 This is due to the increase in immigration of Hispanics and Asians into the United States resulting in a larger pool of potential marriage partners from their own racial and ethnic groups.

 “With the enormous growth of the immigrant population, Asians and Hispanics now have more opportunities than ever to find a marital partner who shares the same cultural background. Such marriages reinforce their cultural identity,” said co-author Dr Daniel Lichter from Cornell University.

 “It used to be that race trumped everything, including education, when it came to marriage between blacks and whites; that is changing,” concluded Qian “For the first time, we found that highly educated blacks and whites were more likely to intermarry. That is very significant and is another sign that racial boundaries are blurring.”

I was so excited when I was asked by M Booth to go to BlogHer 2011 in San Diego, California. I have never been to the conference. As a blogger and a person who works with bloggers daily, I was super excited to go and connect with people and brands. This was the ultimate networking opportunity since the event draws more than 3,500 people from around the world. (I heard chatter about an Australian blogger being in attendance.)

I finally arrived at the airport after sitting in traffic for an hour. Now I am checked in and a little annoyed that I have a middle seat. I get to the front of the security line to find that I do not have an driver’s lisence in my prosession. How can that be? I am usually responsive and always have the correct documents on me. Where on Earth is my ID? Without any documents with a picture of myself and a name, the closest thing I have to identifying myself is my name branded on my left arm. I was in a complete panic. With only an hour left to take off, this is the ‘in case of an emergency, break glass and pull handle’ moment. Breathe… don’t cry – although I feel like a waterfall is about to start gushing out of my eyes.

“Don’t worry these things happen all the time,” said the cute security officer.

“Yeah, but not to me.” I respond.

The officer called over his supervisor who said, “I have to call the government.”

All passengers age 18 and older are required by federal law to present government-issued photo identification (driver’s license, passport, state ID) when checking in.  If you don’t have a photo ID two forms of identification will be required, one of which must be government-issued (i.e. an social security card and an airline membership card). Damn, I don’t have either of those items.

Now, this is the point where I’m really embarrassed and shocked that there may be a chance that I’m not going to get on that plane without an identification card. After what feels like a 45-minute interrogation process, I’m allowed to pass through security. (phew.. Thank you TSA) During the passenger screening process, I had to answer unusual questions like:

• What are the names of your neighbors? (really, big brother, how do you know the answer to that?)
• What is the closest subway stop to your home? (again, big brother, how do you know that?)
• Do you live alone?
• How many years have you been at your residence?
• What is the address to your previous residence?
• What are the cross streets to your apartment?

These are all questions that I should know, but I was so afraid to provide the wrong answers under pressure.

Once I arrived at the hotel, I tell the woman at the  front desk that I don’t have ID when checking in – that process was as difficult as passing through the airport security. (finally, I havr keys to room 1520.)

What an interesting story to start an ice breaker at the conference. “Hi, I’m Rashidah and I traveled across the country without an ID.”

On my return trip home, I made sure to arrive at the airport 2.5 hours in advance of my flight leaving. I wanted to make sure I allotted enough time for the grilling.

Don’t let this happen to you. Always check for required documentation before heading to the airport.

Note: I was allowed to travel because I was flying across the country – from New York to California. If I was traveling out of the country, I would not have been able to do so without an US issued passport.

Toccara, the vivacious and voluptuous fashion model and television personality, takes on the challenge of a lifetime when she puts her heart and soul into the search for her perfect mate as the bachelorette in the return of TV One’s popular reality series, The Ultimate Merger, premiering Thursday, August 4 at 9 PM ET. With a personality that’s an enticing mix of sparkling and warm, down to earth yet determined, the very busy Toccara has yet to meet her match. . until now.

In season two of TV One’s dating competition series, the super model, Celebrity Fit Club and America’s Top Model contender, and ESSENCE Magazine Contributing Style Editor will put a cadre of 14 sexy, self-assured bachelors through a gauntlet of tests in her search for Mr. Right. These challenges, which range from a dance contest and a roller derby competition to a fashion show and a face off at an ice bar to see who can withstand extreme cold the longest, are designed to measure the bachelors’ seductive strengths, play upon their weaknesses, and draw out their true intentions.

Helping her navigate the often emotionally fraught and treacherous waters of romantic competition will be her former Celebrity Fit Club fitness instructor Harvey Walden, who provides moral support, guidance and advice in each episode. Toccara will also be assisted in the challenges in certain episodes by friends and celebrities, including Elise Neal and Brian McKnight, and the bachelors will get the chance to meet her family, to whom the Dayton, Ohio native is very close.

As in season one, don’t expect these bachelors to be the usual band of romantic wimps and brainless him-bos seen in traditional dating shows. These men will all be self-confident, egotistical, and secure in their ability to sweep the buxom beauty off of her feet. But they have to watch their steps because she’s completely unpredictable.

According to a new survey conducted by ForbesWoman and  YourTango.com 75 percent of women would not marry someone who was unemployed, and 65 percent said they would not feel comfortable getting married if they themselves were unemployed.

Although having a job is important, the heart still reigns supreme with more than 91 percent of single women saying they would marry for love over money.

The Career & Love Survey also found:

Sleepless Nights: 40 percent of women in a relationship said their job responsibilities were most likely to keep them up at night, while job responsibilities and love life tied as the two factors most likely to keep single women awake.

Money Makes the World Go Around: 32 percent of women in a relationship make more money than their partner. 50 percent of women would marry someone who earned significantly less than them, while 41 percent wouldn’t marry someone who earned significantly less than them.

Career vs. Kids: 55 percent would give up their career to take care of kids if their partner asked them to do so; only 28 percent would ask the same of their partner.

Me Time:  If women could find an extra hour in each day, 42 percent would spend it by themselves, as opposed to with their partner, friends or family or on work.

Living the Dream: 77 percent of women believe women can simultaneously have a fulfilling relationship and family life, as well as a successful career.

With more than 105 million singles in the United States, or one-third of the population, the singles scene remains a competitive playing field. Match.com has taken an in-depth look at the behavior of singles and uncovered new dating habits based on a groundbreaking study of more than 5,000 single Americans.

Has the rules changed? Here’s what the survey had to say: 

•Tradition Still Applies - Men, women still expect you to make the first move and ask a lady out, and although 41% of women would offer to pick up the check on a first date, a majority of men (37%) still feel they should foot the bill.

WARNING: I always offer to pay on the first date, but if my date allows me to pay there will not be a second date. So men, listen up — unless you want to be checked into in that “friend” category. (It’s a line on the first date)

•Bailout Plan – Both men and women agree that 15 minutes into the date is long enough to tell if there is chemistry (31%). However, if the date isn’t going as planned, only 12% of singles would actually call it a night and leave within the first 30 minutes of the date.

•Thanks, but No Thanks – If your date isn’t getting the hint that you aren’t a match made in heaven, most singles feel that honesty is the best policy. 52% of those surveyed agree you should politely explain you aren’t interested, followed by 24% of singles who recommend being evasive about your future availability. However, younger singles are most likely to ignore your calls and send you straight to voicemail.

WARNING: I’m so guilty of sending a man straight to voicemail and sending a text message later.

•Too Fast on a First Date? – Only 6.5% of singles claim they have frequently had sex on the first date, while 80% of singles disapprove of ending the date between the sheets.

WARNING: I’ll just leave that one alone. LOL

•Making the Call – 48% of women prefer men to make the follow-up call after the first date. A majority of men (68%) will pick up the phone between one to three days after the date, while 6% of men can’t resist following up within the first 24 hours.

WARNING: I always expect a text after the date (At least pretend that you care if I got home safely) and a phone call within three days. If not, I’d think you’re not interested and ….on to the next

•There’s No Place Like Phone – Although 64% of singles are open to having post-date conversations via text and email, more than 80% of singles still prefer conversations on the phone.

WARNING: I am not a teenager. I do not expect to have a full conversation over text. And, don’t get mad if I don’t recognize your voice when you call.

•To Friend or Not to Friend? – Younger singles (ages 21-34) think it’s OK to add a date as a Facebook friend after 2-3 dates (26%), while 11% of singles between the ages of 35-44 wait to friend a date on Facebook until it becomes an exclusive relationship.

WARNING: I always pretend that I’m not on Facebook and Twitter regularly. That way when the friend request goes ignored, I have an excuse.

•Meet the Guys – Yes, it is OK to introduce your new romantic interest to the ones who know you best. Men are more likely to introduce someone they’re interested in to their friends within the first month of dating than women are, regardless of their age group (nearly 50% of men vs. 35% of women). Additional results and tips for the new rules of dating are available at here.

What do you guys think?